Entrepreneurship and life is like a roller coaster ....

Why?

Most times it feels like I’m on a fixed track, sometimes I don’t like it, sometimes I do. Sometimes I feel like I’m in flow and going with it and feel encouraged and thankful for it. Sometimes it feels forced and against my will. 

Ups and downs, side by sides.

If I feel like I’m in control of it or in flow with it and it’s something I consciously want I like it ... and try to enjoy the ride. 

Other times the jolting of side by side hurts. 

When I see something big coming, like a big down or loop or turn, I get fearful, anxious and even dread it if it takes too long to get there. 

When I see a roller coaster in real life, I think, no thanks. I see a lot of anxiety and getting banged up for no real purpose except the thrill, which other people talk about, but I have no interest in just a thrill ride like that that’s getting banged up. 

It’s uncomfortable those seats and the jarring movements, and I feel stuck, and not able to choose my path or get out when I want. 

Contrast the roller coaster with a dirt bike trail. I used to ride motorcycles when I was younger, and that’s different .... I love going fast and when I see a fork in the road, picking my adventure and exploration. 

I am in control of it, seemingly. 

And it’s all about exploration and adventure and action - going fast. 

Seeing what’s next .... 

Responding again, responding, going fast ....

Contrast with a roller coaster, which is fixed. Unavoidable once you get on. 

So much of change and seasons feel like that ... I’ve avoided my big tough underneath emotional work I think, semi-unconsciously because it feels like a roller coaster that I’m not in charge of, I don’t get to initiated the turns, I’m just there for the ride it takes me on. 

I really like initiated and picking what I do. Maybe that is Moon in Aries. I want to sign up and be somewhat in charge of my adventure. Otherwise it feels forced and trapped and I don’t like not having a way out. 

I definitely prefer the freedom, initiative - choosing myself - of the dirt bike trails versus the roller coaster.

But I know and accept that life is BOTH AND. 

Chat's Feedback on this when I asked "What am I trying to say here":

What you’re expressing here is the tension between control and surrender in life, especially as it relates to your journey in entrepreneurship and personal growth. You’re drawing a contrast between two symbolic images—the roller coaster and the dirt bike trail—that represent different aspects of how you experience life’s challenges and opportunities.

The Roller Coaster:

• Fixed Path, Lack of Control: The roller coaster symbolizes a feeling of being stuck on a predetermined track, where you have little control over the ups and downs, twists and turns. At times, you’re able to embrace the ride and go with the flow, but more often, you feel trapped, anxious, and uneasy about the unpredictability of what’s to come. The roller coaster reflects situations where life feels forced upon you, and you’re just along for the ride, not fully able to choose your direction.

• Fear of the Unknown: When you see big changes or challenges coming (like a steep drop or a sudden loop), it triggers anxiety and dread because it’s something you cannot control or avoid. This resonates with the uncertainty in life and business, where unexpected obstacles can leave you feeling vulnerable and unprepared.

• Discomfort with Lack of Choice: You associate the roller coaster with discomfort, not just physically, but emotionally. It’s the sense of being stuck, confined, and forced to endure situations you didn’t consciously choose, which makes it an undesirable metaphor for how you want to experience life.

The Dirt Bike Trail:

• Freedom and Exploration: The dirt bike trail, by contrast, represents the freedom to choose your own adventure. You thrive in situations where you feel you have agency, where you can respond quickly, make decisions on the fly, and pick your path. This symbolizes the autonomy and excitement you seek in life and business—where you’re in control, navigating challenges with speed and agility.

• Initiative and Action: The dirt bike trail highlights your preference for taking initiative. You enjoy the thrill of exploration when it’s on your terms. It’s not about being taken for a ride; it’s about actively engaging with the path ahead, responding in real-time, and driving your own progress forward.

Emotional Work and Avoidance:

• Avoidance of the Roller Coaster: You recognize that your deeper emotional work feels more like the roller coaster—uncontrollable, unavoidable, and difficult to navigate. This may be why you’ve semi-unconsciously avoided tackling it. The emotional ups and downs, the sense that you can’t steer the process, and the fear of what’s around the corner make it harder for you to engage with.

• Need for Initiative: You feel more comfortable when you can initiate and guide your own journey, which is why personal growth or challenges that feel forced or uncontrollable (like the roller coaster) are harder for you to embrace. You’re identifying a preference for adventure and exploration when you can choose the pace, direction, and timing, reflecting your Moon in Aries energy that craves independence and self-direction.

The Both-And Perspective:

• Life is Both: You’re acknowledging that life isn’t just one or the other—it’s both the roller coaster and the dirt bike trail. There are moments when you must surrender to the ride and endure the lack of control, and there are other times when you can pick your path and move forward with speed and agency. You’re trying to reconcile these two modes of living, understanding that while you may prefer the freedom of the dirt bike trail, life often presents situations that feel more like the roller coaster.

In essence, you’re saying that while you prefer autonomy and control (like the dirt bike trail), you recognize that life sometimes requires you to let go and ride the roller coaster, even when it feels uncomfortable or forced. This tension reflects your ongoing challenge to balance freedom with surrender, agency with acceptance.

Chat Feedback when I asked "what are the emotional issues here"

The emotional issues embedded in this reflection center around control, fear, avoidance, and the tension between freedom and surrender. Here’s a breakdown of the key emotional themes:

1. Control vs. Surrender

• Need for Control: A core emotional issue here is the strong desire to feel in control of your path. You thrive in situations where you can make choices, take action, and direct your own course (like on the dirt bike trail). This reflects a need for autonomy and agency in life, and when that’s compromised (like on the roller coaster), it triggers discomfort, anxiety, and frustration.

• Discomfort with Surrender: The roller coaster symbolizes situations where you feel forced to surrender control, which brings up emotional resistance. This reflects an underlying issue of discomfort with being vulnerable to circumstances that are out of your hands. It may indicate an emotional challenge with accepting that some aspects of life cannot be controlled or dictated by personal will.

2. Fear and Anxiety

• Fear of the Unknown: You mention feeling fear and anxiety when you see big challenges coming, particularly when you can’t control the timing or intensity (like a steep drop on a roller coaster). This suggests a fear of the unknown and an emotional struggle with uncertainty. The anticipation of something difficult or uncomfortable (whether it’s in business or personal life) creates anxiety, which could lead to avoidance.

• Anxiety Around Being “Trapped”: The feeling of being stuck or unable to escape, as in the roller coaster metaphor, may symbolize deeper anxieties around feeling confined or helpless in life’s difficult situations. This reflects an emotional issue with confinement, where you feel trapped by circumstances, unable to take initiative or change the direction.

3. Avoidance of "Darker" Emotional Depth

• Avoidance of Uncontrollable Emotions: You’ve noted that you may have been avoiding deeper emotional work because it feels like the roller coaster—unpredictable and out of your control. This avoidance reflects an emotional issue around vulnerability and fear of diving into difficult emotions, especially when they involve pain, uncertainty, or prolonged discomfort.

• Fear of Emotional Turbulence: The jolts, twists, and turns of the roller coaster mirror the unpredictability of intense emotions, and this emotional turbulence can feel overwhelming. The emotional issue here is the discomfort with navigating deep emotional waters, fearing that the experience might be too intense, jarring, or destabilizing.

4. Desire for Freedom and Initiative

• Need for Freedom: A significant emotional issue is the need for freedom and independence. When you feel like you’re in control of your journey (like on the dirt bike trail), you’re emotionally more at ease and fulfilled. This reflects a deep emotional drive for autonomy, self-direction, and the ability to choose your own path. Any situation that restricts that freedom brings up feelings of resistance and frustration.

• Emotional Discomfort with Forced Circumstances: When life feels like a fixed track (roller coaster), you struggle emotionally because it feels like you’re being forced into a ride you didn’t choose. This reflects an emotional issue with accepting circumstances you haven’t initiated or have no control over, which can lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, or helplessness.

5. Inner Conflict Between Acceptance and Initiative

• Struggle to Accept Life’s Roller Coaster Moments: There is an emotional tension between wanting to control the narrative (dirt bike) and knowing that life sometimes places you on a roller coaster where you have to accept the ride. The emotional challenge here is finding peace with life’s unpredictability and recognizing when it’s time to surrender versus when it’s time to act.

• Emotional Resistance to Being Powerless: The roller coaster represents moments in life where you feel powerless to change the course, which brings up emotional resistance. The emotional issue is not just the discomfort with lack of control, but the deeper challenge of accepting powerlessness in certain situations and learning to navigate those feelings.

6. Fear of Emotional Conflict and Pain

• Fear of Emotional Discomfort: The jolting, banging, and discomfort of the roller coaster reflects a fear of emotional conflict or pain. You express a dislike for situations that are emotionally uncomfortable or that take you on a journey you’re not emotionally prepared for. This could point to an emotional issue with dealing directly with emotional pain or conflict, preferring to stay in control or avoid it altogether.

7. The Duality of Life’s Journey

• Balancing Control and Surrender: You acknowledge that life is a balance of both—freedom to choose your path and the necessity to surrender to uncontrollable circumstances. The emotional issue here is learning how to navigate the tension between these two modes of being, accepting that you can’t always be in control and yet finding ways to still feel empowered within that reality.

Summary:

The emotional issues in this reflection revolve around a core tension between your need for control and the unavoidable surrender that life sometimes demands. Fear of the unknown, anxiety about lack of freedom, and avoidance of deeper emotional work surface as central themes. There’s a struggle to balance personal agency with acceptance of life’s unpredictability, and an emotional resistance to vulnerability, discomfort, and feeling powerless. The roller coaster represents not just external circumstances but also internal emotional turbulence that you may avoid because of its intensity, while the dirt bike represents the preferred path of self-directed adventure, freedom, and control.

My Feedback on that ....

It's right on. 

Initiative & Control versus Acceptance & Surrender 

I want to feel autonomy and agency and "pick" things to do or start. To at least know and decide the path forward. 

But life ... well, I realize so much of it I don't have control or initiative over. I must accept things. The word "surrender" bothers me (Moon in Aries). I don't want to surrender. I want to be in control of my life, my decisions, my time, energy, skills, etc.

But in this latest season of life, I've simply been forced to surrender and wave the white flag. Mostly it's been for my better, said begrudgingly (Sun in Taurus - stubborn/fixed). 

Avoidance of Uncomfortable and "Hard" Issues or Tough Conversations

Emotionally Challenging Situations

I see tough downs and turns coming or looming and I want to not go that route. I want to avoid it. That's why I don't like the roller coaster. It's fixed. 

Those conversations are around touchy subjects for me because they often don't have clear solutions. And it leaves me in a weird state until I'm forced into them. 

  • Worry and Money
  • Sadness, loss, grief - that I don't know what to do with that but feel it with others - and just be with them
  • Situations where I might feel blame or blamed for something - despite having good intentions
  • Fuzzy or unrealistic expectations 
  • Emotional conflict between others and I'm trying to "peacemake" which I'm taking a hiatus from currently - it seems like it's ended up with me being blamed
  • Emotional conflict between me and important others

Chat's response to "what am i saying here:"

What you're expressing here is your discomfort with situations that feel emotionally challenging, uncertain, and out of your control—much like a roller coaster you can’t get off once it starts. You’re describing a strong desire to avoid difficult emotional experiences, especially those that involve unresolved or touchy subjects, such as money, grief, blame, and emotional conflict. These situations create anxiety because they don’t have clear solutions, and they often leave you feeling vulnerable or unsettled.

You're also acknowledging that these emotions and conversations are particularly difficult for you because they touch on sensitive areas where you feel exposed, blamed, or responsible, despite your good intentions. You mention feeling forced into these situations, which mirrors your analogy of the roller coaster being a fixed track—you don’t have the control or freedom to navigate around these challenges.

Additionally, you’re aware of your role as a "peacemaker" in conflicts, but you're stepping back from it because it often leaves you feeling blamed or stuck in the middle, which adds to your emotional burden.

In essence, you’re expressing a struggle with navigating difficult emotions and conflicts, preferring to avoid them because they create uncertainty, emotional discomfort, and a sense of powerlessness. You're trying to articulate your need for more control and clarity in these situations, while recognizing the emotional weight they carry.

My response:

I feel as I read this that related to my early childhood emotional development. 

But I really am seeing and experiencing is with my kids and being able to see it. 

I'm seeing more and more how I might have "skipped" certain emotional periods in my early life. 

Chat's response to emotional development needs from birth to age 10 with practical examples: 

1. Trust: A baby stops crying when picked up and comforted, feeling secure.

2. Autonomy: A toddler proudly chooses their shoes or dresses themselves.

3. Emotional Regulation: A child calms down after a tantrum with help, starting to use words for their feelings.

4. Initiative: A child takes the lead in imaginative play or a creative project.

5. Empathy and Social Play: A child shares toys and participates in group play at preschool.

6. Competence and Pride: A kindergartener beams with pride after writing their name or completing a drawing.

7. Industry: A first-grader works hard to complete school tasks and feels proud of their achievements.

8. Peer Relationships: A child forms deeper friendships, preferring to spend time with friends and learning to navigate social dynamics.

9. Emotional Resilience: A child bounces back after disappointment, like not getting a part in a play or a low test score.

10. Self-Concept: A child starts identifying their talents and interests, expressing their individuality with confidence.

My response:

I'm not trying to blame or shame. But there were intense situations in my early life. 

  • Asthma and hospitalization in an oxygen tent
  • Brother born at my age 3
  • Parents tenious divorce (around 3-4)
  • Living with grandparents
  • Mother remarried and move out of state and away from family
  • Tenious at best relationship with stepbrothers
  • Another tenious divorce and move back to hometown
  • New school around 4th grade and loneliness

So I want to explore this a bit with emotional development and early childhood wounding that affected me and cycles over in my life.